100 days: Day 10

11/12/2009

Liar.

For an unknown reason, I thought about a guy I used to know today, when I was a kid. He’d lie about anything, no matter how unreal or mundane and he was a bit violent. Recalling it made me laugh so I thought I’d compile a list of some of his gems.

He claimed that if you dismantled two Megadrives and put them together as one, the Terminator II videogame would have ‘double good graphics and go all 3D and he’d done it and it was true so shut up you’re a knob.’

He knew the words to Prodigy songs better than anyone else because he had three copies of Music For a Jilted Generation on cassette.

He turned up at my house once with a guy I didn’t know and a mobile phone he claimed to have had for a month (no one had mobiles then, some people still called them ‘carphones’. Imagine, different world man, different world). He spent half an hour pretending to make business calls (he was about 12) and then started asking the guy how to use the phone. I told him I didn’t believe it was his phone because when he had something new he wouldn’t be able to not mention it for a month and he wasn’t even pretending not to ask the guy how to use it in front of me. He told me I was a dickhead and he had had it for a month and that I was a dickhead.

He told me his uncle owned a really expensive car company, the name of which he couldn’t remember. He was so rich the he had a Rolls Royce with his signature engraved in gold in foot high letters along the side. He later found out that platinum was more expensive than gold and so upgraded his lie, only he wasn’t even lying though because I’m gay and I’m poor, apparently.

We worked together in a shop for a bit and he told me that if you put the DVD of Ali G In Da House in the stereo it would play as an album. I disputed that. He had the DVD on him and put it in the stereo and it played as an album, a bad album. I withdrew my argument in light of the overwhelming evidence. He admitted moments later that he’d brought the soundtrack CD to work in the DVD case to play that trick on me, the cad.

He said that it was scientifically proven by scientists that everyone in the the world had an exact double and that he’d seen a documentary on TV about a guy who lived in South Africa who was his exact double and that he was really rich from being a model and had a really big penis and just had to look at a woman and they would have sex with him and it was real, shut up.

He also said he’d like to work in a sweatshop in the third world because he reckoned they get to wear Adidas all the time and that’d be ace.

I wonder how he’s getting on. Bet he’s an estate agent.

N.B. I know I’ve presented myself as the voice of reason throughout all of that, a kind of Martin Freeman type character, a ‘giving knowing looks to camera and despairing of all the morons that surround me’ sort of affair, but if the truth be told I was just as much of an idiot, almost.

For an unknown reason, I thought about a guy I used to know today, when I was a kid. He’d lie about anything he could think of and was a bit violent. It made me laugh for a moment so I thought I’d compile a list of some of his gems.

He claimed that if you dismantled two Megadrives and put them together as one, the Terminator II videogame would have ‘double good graphics and go all 3D and he’d done it and it was true so shut up you’re a knob.’

He knew the words to Prodigy songs better than anyone else because he had three copies of Music For a Jilted Generation on cassette.

He turned up at my house once with a guy I didn’t know and a mobile phone he claimed to have had for a month (no one had mobiles then, some people still called them ‘carphones’. Imagine, different world man, different world). He spent half an hour pretending to make business calls (he was about 12) and then asking the guy how to use the phone. I told him I didn’t believe it was his phone because when he had something new he wouldn’t be able to not mention it for a month and he wasn’t even pretending not to ask the guy how to use it in front of me. He told me I was a dickhead and he had had it for a month and that I was a dickhead.

He told me his uncle owned a really expensive car company, the name of which he couldn’t remember. He was so rich the he had a Rolls Royce with his signature engraved in gold in foot high letters along the side. He later found out that platinum was more expensive than gold and so upgraded his lie, only he wasn’t even lying though because I’m gay and I’m poor, apparently.

We worked together in a shop for a bit and he told me that if you put the DVD of Ali G In Da House in the stereo it would play as an album. I disputed that. He had the DVD on him and put it in the stereo and it played as an album, a bad album. I withdrew my argument in light of the overwhelming evidence. He admitted moments later that he’d brought the soundtrack CD to work in the DVD case to play that trick on me, the cad.

He said that it was scientifically proven by scientists that everyone in the the world had an exact double and that he’d seen a documentary on TV about a guy who lived in South Africa who was his exact double and that he was really rich from being a model and had a really big cock and just had to look at a woman and they would shag him and it was real, shut up.

He also said he’d like to work in a sweatshop in the third world because he reckoned they get to wear Adidas all the time and that’d be ace.

I wonder how he’s getting on. Bet he’s an estate agent.

N.B. I know I’ve presented myself as the voice of reason throughout all of that, a kind of Martin Freeman type character, a ‘giving knowing looks to camera and despairing of all the morons that surround me’ sort of affair, but if the truth be told I was just as much of an idiot, almost.

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