100 Days: Day 15

16/12/2009

Misplaced affection.

(a doodle today)

When the very first indications began, those around him didn’t consider Dale any stranger than children generally are. An inquisitive mind can sometimes produce unexpected results was his mothers reasoning, as she strained to understand his increasingly erratic behaviour. She was a patient woman, initially.

Dale had a simple fixation. To view things outside of their natural context. In a one television household Dale’s mother would often return from the garden to find him holding the television remote at arms length in the kitchen, just looking at it, in situe with the oven, or on a shelf of the fridge. At first she found it amusing when he asked to wear his socks in the bath. The cat had a bad time of it and had to be rescued from suffocation on more than one occasion.

But unlike most children Dale didn’t shed his odd compulsions or at the very least seek to hide them until his forties, in fact his aspirations for his strange art grew at the same rate he did. At the age of ten he managed to shepherd a flamboyance of flamingos* into a South London council estate. No mean feat considering he lived in Wrexham.

The zoo agreed to settle out of court and it was at this point his mother and the authorities began to take note and develop concern for his activities.

Dale continued to grow tall and strange. He arrived at 17, the age of the first car and not wanting to stunt his development, Dale’s mother agreed to supplement its purchase. Dale was now gone for days at a time, she’d unleashed him upon the the rest of the UK, constrained only by his £30 per week petrol allowance. She shuddered every time the novelty story began at the end of the regional news, if it wasn’t something along the lines of a trapeze artist dog then it would no doubt be something of his doing.

Example:

‘What’s black, white and red all over?’ began the news anchor with a grin as wide as Dale’s mother’s gaping jaw, ‘well, as of this afternoon, the Menai Bridge it seems…’

Another:

‘And finally, what’s brown and sticky Sally?

‘Brown and sticky, why I just don’t know Philip.’

‘Well it involves the Angel of the North and five hundred yards of tartan, find out more after the break…’ etc.

By age 20 Dale was working at an unprecedented scale. At 12 o’clock on Sunday the 14 of April 2007 Sainsburys reported the robbery and by 5 o’clock the same day Dale was apprehended by police on the M4 in possession of 500,000 choc ices. His intentions were never made clear.

The End.

*That’s the actual collective term, I looked it up. It’s also known as a ‘stand’ but that isn’t as good. There’s a website dedicated to all the collective terms for animals, here it is http://www.hintsandthings.co.uk/kennel/collectives.htm

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